When I decided to create a space for “the other” (TO), I felt a dam break in my brain. Topics that I was desperate for info on when my relationship ended, how I learned to think differently, take responsibility for my life, and get clear on what I truly want for myself, ways to regain a sense of control regardless of the current situation—it all flooded out.
But when I look back on my entire time as TO, one experience is framed in gigantic neon lights: being ghosted by my affair partner (AP). This was the topic I frantically and repeatedly searched Google for help with, and this was the experience that catapulted me into becoming The Other Jules. So let’s start there.
As TO in an infidelity situation, whether it’s emotional or physical or however you define it, you’ve probably thought about how it might end. You’re living like it will never end, because duh, right now it’s friggin' amazing. But you also know you’re skating on extremely thin ice, what with the secrecy and deception and the fact that one or both of you are officially committed to someone else. You may have wondered what you or they will do if your relationship is discovered, or you might have even discussed it together and made some type of plan.
During my relationship with my former AP, whom I'll call Dutch, he repeatedly expressed anxiety about how and when things between us might end. If I reduced our contact even slightly he would get worried. He adored me, was devoted to me, implied a future with me, always wanted more of me. Had I been put on the stand, I would have sworn on a Bible that if anyone was in danger of being hurt in our situation, it was him.
Of course, I knew it was possible we wouldn’t ride off into the sunset together, but in my fantasies we’d decide that together. We would talk maturely about our feelings, affirm how much we’d meant to each other, and then go our separate ways knowing we were “doing the right thing” but grateful for all we’d learned and shared. Naïve? Probably. But he loved me, there was no doubt about that, and I couldn’t fathom him ever knowingly doing anything to hurt me.
You can imagine my surprise, then, when one day he simply disappeared. I woke that Thursday morning to him texting me like usual, as he did every day, multiple times a day, no matter what. At noon he texted again, told me what he ate for lunch, sent a pic. We joked around. Then…nothing.
It took me a while to catch on. The afternoon went by, I was unconcerned, assumed he was busy. Evening came and went, still no word. That was strange, but I came up with possible reasons he would be out of touch. By the next morning, though, I began to worry. Not that he was ghosting me—that didn’t even cross my mind—but that something terrible had happened to him.
I quickly found signs of him online and very much alive, however, and my wheels began to turn. Was he…? No. Impossible. But why would he…? No. He wouldn’t. No way this man, who barely a week earlier had showered me with thoughtful birthday gifts and tender words, would…. No. He had spent years pleading with me to trust him, promised time and again he would always be there. He would never, ever, ever walk away without so much as a goodbye. But on the fourth day, my brain knew what my heart refused to accept. He was gone.
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